I’m a control freak. Always have been. I mean, it’s so bad
that when I feel like I am not in control of a situation, I will have a major
anxiety attack. I’ve recently decided that I think it has something to do with
the whole bi-polar thing. There have been a few times in my life (not so much
recently) where I have SO not been in the right frame of mind to make a
decision and so the decision has been made for me. Or where I haven’t felt in
control of myself and it freaks me the heck out. So, I have control issues. I
have to be in control.
As I’m sure you can imagine, it has really caused a strain
in my relationship with God. I’ve never fully been able to surrender my life to
Him. I’ve never been able to step away and say “not my will, but YOURS be done,
Lord”. I always have felt like I needed to make things happen and I need to do
my own thing. I’ve always known that God’s plan for me is a lot more perfect
than anything I could ever muster up and I’ve known that if I just let Him take
the reins, He would take care of His daughter. But since I’m being completely
honest here, the idea of giving it all to Him, scares the CRAP out of me. How
frustrating! How frustrating it is to KNOW that your Heavenly Father can take
care of you but just being completely unable (or unwilling) to let go!
I think many people face this problem…not necessarily the
same situation (although, most of my fellow bi-polar peeps I’ve talked with
have the same struggles) but I think everyone at some point struggles with
giving their everything to God. I have had my hard times with my relationship
with God…many years filled with doubt, confusion, and even resentment at times…but
I have never doubted His presence in my life. I’ve never doubted His
unconditional love for me and how much He cares for me. It genuinely makes me
sad watching people I know (or don’t know), who don’t have Jesus, go thru some
of the hurts and pains this world throws at them. I know I couldn’t face life without
Him.
Many things in my life lately have been out of my control.
Different things. Things I don’t want to get into. I’ve been trying my absolute
hardest to re-gain control on my own and to make things happen the way I want
them to happen. Almost humorously…things keep blowing up in my face. Really, if
it wasn’t SO frustrating…it would be humorous. And hopefully some day I will be
able to look back at this as the time God was really trying to show me that my
way of doing things SUCKS. Because ya know what? It does. I can FEEL God asking
me “Are you done yet?”.
I’m really trying. This is hands down the hardest thing I’ve
been thru. My heart has been hurting a lot…and it’s pretty much my own fault. I’ve
got to stop stressing so much about what I can do to make the hurt stop and
give it to God. On my lunch break today, I sat in my car and just cried. I
literally cannot keep doing this on my own.
Have you ever just opened your Bible randomly to see where
you land? To see if something sticks out like asking God to speak to you? Okay
well I did that today. I randomly opened to…
2 Corinthians 1:3-7…”Praise be to the God and Father of our
Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of
all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so
that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive
from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the
sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it
is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same
sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we
know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our
comfort.”
I cried some more. I’m a big emotional baby sometimes. He’s
been here for me this WHOLE time. No…the verse isn’t really about control…but
it’s about comfort. I’ve been searching for some sort of comfort for a little
while now. So the fact that THIS was the verse I opened up to, kinda made me
think “Ok, God, I know…I know. You are here”. God’s plan for me is so much
greater than my plan for myself. Sure…I wish that my plan would roll out the way
I want it to. But it’s been proven time and time again that my plan isn’t the
best for me. God wants-and KNOWS- what is best for me.
Okay I’m done. What I intended to be a short post turned
into a long one…as usual. And re-reading it…it sounds a little jumbled. Oh
well. It makes me feel better :P
I’ve had people tell me I wear my heart on my sleeve and
that I’m too open about stuff sometimes. That could take up a whole other blog
post. Let me just say…that I want people to know that they aren’t alone. Not
all Christians are the “holier than thou” “my life is perfect because I have
Jesus” Christians. This, folks, is real. Real struggles…real life.
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