Broken Vows

Dear Joe,

Today, June 16, is our 4th wedding anniversary. Another year under our belt! Can you believe how fast time is going? So much has happened in these 4 years-both good and bad-and we keep on truckin'. We have cried together and laughed together even more. We have created unforgettable memories and have made the most of unthinkable events. I wouldn't trade these years for anything and I look forward to many more.

I wanted to do something cute today and post on Facebook our mushy gushy wedding vows we wrote. It has been a while since I have even seen them so it took a little digging but I finally found them in my maiden name email account! I excitedly opened them and began reading-only to have my smile slowly fade as I read them. As I read each promise I made to you, I realized that I have literally broken every single vow I made to you. Most of them were cutesy vows like promising to learn how to be a better cook and some of them were serious like promising to never go to bed angry. 4 years in and I still loathe cooking and look for the easy way out every single meal. 4 years in and I know there have been nights we have gone to bed angry at each other. Silly or serious, my heart started to break over these promises I made to you that I haven't kept.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I wish I would have written more realistic vows or that I would have remembered them and taken them more seriously. Probably a little of both. I had never been married, tho. I didn't know how messy life could be and I definitely didn't know how difficult marriage could at times be. It made me think of the How I Met Your Mother episode where Lily and Marshall got married and Marshall says he vows to keep at least 80 percent of his vows to which Lily replies "Seems a little high". He then goes on to say that life is messy- but he vows to keep updating his vows as they go thru life changing and growing together.

Yes, I just made a HIMYM reference.

I'm so sorry I made promises to you that I couldn't keep. If I would have known then what I know now, I probably would have said some things different. Maybe. Nah, I still probably would have held onto the hope that I could make them happen-and I wish I would have. People go into marriage with high hopes and expectations, and maybe we have just dealt with a lot more than most people do as a young married couple, but married life is nothing like I expected it would be but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So maybe I didn't keep my original marriage vows-but that doesn't mean I don't love you or care for our marriage and it doesn't mean I'm not committed to us. I'm a broken person, and I have made so many mistakes yet you have shown me grace and love throughout it all. I haven't kept my marriage vows, but I promise you that as long as you will have me, I am yours. I promise to keep trying to be a better woman and wife for you. I promise to never, ever stop trying. I can't promise I wont hurt you and I can't promise I wont disappoint you. I can't promise I wont tick you off or never be naggy again. I can't promise to never ever back seat drive again. I can't promise...well...there is a lot haha. I do, however, promise to never give up and to never stop thriving to be the wife you deserve. I promise to never be content just surviving in our marriage.

Here's to another year. Here's to the joys the last year have brought and here's to the trials as well. They've grown us and continue to grow us. We will never stop growing, but here's to many more years of growing together.

Love Always,

Katie

Bringing Our Son Into This MESS

Supposedly, every single generation fears bringing in the next generation to this broken world; but, really, I'm terrified. I've found myself wondering many times why in the world I thought it would be a good idea to bring a child into a world where pornography is widely accepted as the "norm"; where murdering your unborn child is considered a choice and an "empowering" choice at that; where being "politically correct" is more important than being Biblically accurate; and where Christians are persecuted and slaughtered for their beliefs-and who's to say that's going to stay in the Middle East?

The list honestly goes on and on. I'm fearful of bringing my son into this world. He's not even here yet, and already I want to lock him in the house and shield him from life. I know I can't do that though. I know I can't protect him entirely. So, instead of being paralyzed with fear, I'm instead going to do my absolute best to equip him to be able to become a FIGHTER.

My husband and I are going to be those "crazy" parents. I know it. He knows it. Soon, our son will know it and we are okay with it. We refuse to raise a follower in a world full of Sheeple. We are going to go against the "norm" and what may be considered "cool" and "progressive" but I think that's important if our son has any chance of survival. And even more than survival....a chance to be a game-changer.

Our world depends on raising game-changers. The conspirator in me wants to say that our world is a hopeless cause, but the mom in me and the believer in me MUST say that maybe-just maybe-our world has a chance if we raise some fighters. I'm up to the challenge and actually am excited about going against the grain to raise a strong man of Jesus.

I cannot wait to teach my son that it's NOT about being politically correct. It's about reading, knowing, and living a life that is of Christ and not of this world. People will hate him for it, but John 15:19 says "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." Real exciting stuff, right? Being hated isn't fun, but we were never promised an easy life here as Christ followers. Focus on the eternal instead of the temporary.

I cannot wait to teach my son how AWESOME sex is-the way God created it. This world and it's sheeple will tell him that meaningless sex is fun.They will try to suck him into a life that is less than fulfilling and good but we are going to show our son that he deserves SO much more. He deserves more than the acceptable one night stands and what pornography says sex is. He deserves more AND his future wife deserves more too.

I cannot wait to teach my son that life is precious and protecting the lives who cannot raise their voices is imperative as a follower of Christ. We will teach him that stopping a beating heart is an atrocity and remaining quiet is just not an option.

I cannot wait to teach my son how to be respectful. "Sir" "ma'am", "Mr" and "Mrs." are becoming more and more uncool. Hand shakes are getting weaker; interruption is becoming rampant; eye contact is getting lost; fits are thrown when they don't get their way; and "please" and "thank you's" are no longer second nature. That's just unacceptable and will not be something that is passed over to our son.

That's just a short list and even a poor representation of what we want to teach our son. I've found myself while writing this becoming less and less afraid of the world baby Jace will be brought into, and more excited to see him change the world. Ultimately, it's important to my husband and I to raise a leader instead of a follower and to teach him the difference between what the world will offer versus what Jesus says. Why settle for less when you can have more? Why follow the crowd when you can stand up for what is right?

Just some thoughts :)

Why I Want to See 50 Shades of Grey

The title of this blog is probably super confusing for anyone who sees my daily Facebook feed. I can only imagine the eye rolls when people see "yet another anti-50 Shades post...." but I decided a long time ago I wouldn't waste my Facebook page. No matter how blind people choose to be, I'm going to do what I can to put it in their face and hope maybe someday they will get it.

But that's a post for another day. Today, though, I want to tell you why I want to see 50 Shades of Grey. Because guess what? I do.

I have spent a lot of time hating on 50 Shades. A lot of time. It makes me so frustrated when I see other people talking about it and how they can't wait to see it. Don't they know how awful this filth is?! Today, however, I changed my thought process a little bit. I have read a million articles about why you SHOULDN'T watch 50 Shades of Grey but I still have had a hard time understanding WHY people want to watch the movie. Then it hit me...

I have read 50 Shades of Grey and every time I see the 50 Shades commercial, a part of me aches to see the movie. Why, though? As much as I hate it and know how wrong it is, why would I want to watch it? Why do MILLIONS of women want to watch it?

1. We bought into the lies that society says about sex.

Many people know of my struggle with pornography, but it goes much deeper than even just that. If you want to know more about that story, here's the link. Basically, I was introduced at a very young age and in an abusive way to the world of porn and that shaped the way I viewed sex from early on. I have always equated sex with love and always thought that what I would do with a man made me more of a woman. There was something about Ana Steele that I envied. Christian Grey was so devoted to her...I see now dysfunctionally devoted. Ana Steele is kind of the poster woman for girls everywhere who think sex is the way into a man's heart.

2. It gives us the tingles.

Sorry. But it's true. E.L. James knew exactly what she was doing when she wrote these books. She knew that women everywhere would be closing their eyes and imagining Christian Grey doing these things to them like he was to Ana. I know I'm a recovering porn addict, but you don't have to be addicted to porn to get completely tied in knots reading these books. I would go out on a limb and suggest that if women were truly honest with themselves, this is probably the biggest reason women love 50 Shades.

3. Secretly, we want to be dominated.

The whole feminist movement is a bunch of crap because millions of women are going to flock to the theaters this weekend to watch a movie about a man who tells a girl what to eat, how to dress, where to put her hands, where to go, etc. And they are going to eat it all up. Secretly, I think every woman (at least, women who have at some point bought the lies 50 Shades sells) wants that, In our dysfunctional minds, there is something sexy about "obeying" "or else".

4. We want to fix Christian Grey.

Many women (maybe men too but I'm not a man so I can only speak for women) want to fix that bad boy. We want to be the one that helps get his life together and helps him heal. As for myself, I found myself loving so much how Ana in a way "tamed" him in the end. Then it made me think back to all the pain and heartache I went thru as a younger woman going thru terribly toxic relationships all for the sake of saving that person and being that person's all.


I needed that clarity. I needed to say why I wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey and I needed to understand why other women want to too. Now let me tell you why I, personally, am not going to go see this movie.

1. 50 Shades of Grey is pornography.

It doesn't matter if you are for or against the books/movie, it has been labeled by secular authors and critics everywhere as mommy porn. So I plan to treat it as such. Just like I harm my marriage and my heart when I go online to watch pornography, it would be just as harmful to see this movie. Porn is wrong. Plain and simple. And that's another reason why you should check out my blog if you don't agree with that statement. Porn is all about the "yes". Porn is all about selfish pleasure. That's what these books are filled with. Nothing realistic or "good" whatsoever.

2. 50 Shades is glorified abuse.

As someone who went thru sexual abuse and who knows many people who have had to endure abuse in their lives, these books are nothing short of insulting. Ya know what, what people want to do in the bedroom is their own thing. Whatever. But when Hollywood takes a story of a man (hurting people hurt people...) who is stuck in the cycle of abuse and plans to make millions, I have a problem with that. I also have a problem with the fact that people don't seem to see that. We live in a very "me-centered" society and like to think nothing of how something will affect us or others in the long run. And that's not okay.

3. I am worth more than what 50 Shades says I am.

I am not what I will do with my body. I am not a "yes, sir; no, sir" play thing. I am a child of God. I am a wife. I am a mom. I strive everyday to be the best I can be for myself and for Jesus and for my husband. It has taken years and years to get to the point where I now know how dysfunctional my views on sex and love have been and it will take probably years and years more to be able to move past them. But I know that 50 Shades says I'm NOT more. It says I AM what I will do with my body. So I refuse to take any part in that.

4. 50 Shades of Grey is not sex the way God designed it.

Now, I by no means think you have to be a Christian to be against this filth. Women who stand for anything and don't just think with what's between their legs should be infuriated by this garbage. But let me get Christian-y on you for this last point. Even putting aside that sex was designed for marriage and Ana and Christian are definitely not married (I mean they get married in the very end. Sorry. Spoiler?")...sex was created to honor and love and respect your spouse. Not shame and humiliate and scare your "sub" (Ana=submissive and is labeled "sub"). That's exactly what these books promote.

I by no means think I'm going to change anyone's minds on seeing 50 Shades of Grey. I think women are being far too stubborn and ignorant for their minds to be changed. If anything, I want everyone who is against 50 Shades to understand exactly why women are being sucked into the lies. Educate yourselves. Take a stand. Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.

Oh 2014....

2014 has hands down been the most emotional, up and down year of my life. I truly feel like after this year, I will be able to face anything and everything life will throw at me for years to come. It's not that I'm not thankful for this year, but really 2014 can kiss my hiney ;) I'm GLAD this year is over-GLAD for a new year and a chance to start clean. It feels so goofy saying that-as if simply going from December 31st to January 1st will magically make everything better. Honestly, though, '2014' will forever follow some pretty awful experiences in my life so it is nice to move forward.

In 2014, I learned that He gives and takes away. I'm still trying to figure all that out to be honest. "Why" is something I really want to know but may just have to be content with not knowing at least for a while. I'm not sure why we had to lose two babies but we did. And I'm not mad at Him for it, just more not understanding completely. The loss of our babies took me to a pretty scary place where I could have and almost lost everything and I guess coming to the other side of it, it will make me a stronger person and make me and Joe stronger as a couple. I'm still a little scared to be too excited about this baby we have now (and probably will be scared until the moment this baby is in our arms), and that breaks my heart. But, hearing Baby Boo's heartbeat was the sweetest thing I have ever experienced. I don't know if I would have been able to appreciate it as MUCH as I did if we hadn't have been waiting so long to hear a heartbeat. Because of our losses, I did get diagnosed with a potentially life threatening blood clotting disorder. Because of our losses, I have an insane appreciation for and value LIFE more than I ever did before. Because of our losses, I can relate so much to other people who have been broken in this life. I can't say that I feel like a great example of keeping the faith and whatnot at this point, but I'm working on it.

I learned that there is nothing wrong with binge-watching Netflix. I used to feel really guilty when I would come home and sit on the couch for hours watching Netflix. Then it hit me. I'm a grown up! I did my time of "Katie, clean your room/vacuum the floor/do another chapter of English" so if I come home from a long day at work and just want to do nothing, THAT'S OKAY. It sure as heck won't be like that for forever so why not take advantage of it while I can? As long as the house isn't in a total state of chaos, I'm going to give myself a break and watch some freaking Netflix.

I learned that saying "no" is okay. If you don't feel like doing something, say no. Don't make excuses. Don't feel like you have to explain yourself. "No" is a complete sentence. Obviously, a part of life is sometimes having to do things you don't want to do; but. if you really want to NOT go see that movie so and so invited you to, say no and NOT because you are *coughcough* sick. You really don't have to please EVERYONE. And let me tell ya, I am so glad I learned this one this year.

I learned that the word "grace" is a really relevant word. I spent a lot of time towards the beginning of the year hating on Joel Osteen and his hyper-grace stuff. I spent a LOT of time preaching about how we as Christ followers ARE to judge each other and blah blah blah. Well let me tell you, after being the brunt of some serious judgement, I am here to say that I feel pretty darn awful for some of the things I have thought and said in the last year. 2014 held some pretty great mistakes for me. Things I thought I was past, turns out I wasn't and they came back with a vengeance. Thank GOD for grace-even though I am really so undeserving. I'm still working on forgiving myself and working on moving past some things that I've carried with me a majority of my life, but God has made it pretty clear He forgives me and the people most relevant to my life forgive me. Joe and my family have been unbelievably patient and have loved me unconditionally in my darkest moments of 2014, and that is what matters most to me. Everyone else is just background noise and I'm thankful that their opinions of me don't make a lick of difference on whether or not these people or Jesus forgives me.

I learned that family isn't always blood. Just because you share the same last name or some of the same DNA or whatever, doesn't make them family. It's about who is there for you in your darkest moments. It's about who loves unconditionally and accepts you-flaws and all. We learned this the hard way this year, but we will forever be thankful for it. We were majorly let down and hurt, but others really picked up the slack and that has been freaking wonderful. We have tightened our bonds with the family that counts and have created our own little family of irreplaceable friends.

I learned that transparency is important. In a huge way, this one goes hand and hand with the above paragraph. I believe with all my heart that God allows us to go thru hard things in life so that we can be there for others who have or may go thru the same thing. To pretend like everything is okay and suffer silently, we are wasting our struggle. Whether it be my miscarriages or my pornography addiction, God has clearly asked me to be transparent and because of that, I have been given the opportunity to be there for others going thru the same things. He has really used me this year and I can't wait for Him to keep using me.

I learned that just because someone is younger than you, doesn't make them less than you. And by this, I'm thinking of two specific ladies. Alyssa and Emi. I think I have learned more from them than I ever have from anyone my own age or older. Never have I ever met two people with better heads on their shoulders. Their passion for Jesus and for life always inspires me. They have both shown me that I'm more than my past mistakes. They have both shown me that it is possible to have a really crappy day but still put a smile on my face. They have both shown me what it means to really be there for someone when they need it. I'm so thankful for them. I can say with confidence that these two win the trophy for most influential in my life in 2014 :P

I learned that Christmas and cats don't go well together. I mean, really. I started the season with some awesome Christmas decorations and am going to end it with a bunch of half-eaten decorations and a tree that may not ever bounce back.

Okay. I feel like I could go on for forever. 2014 has really been a crazy year. I'm glad its coming to an end, but where would I be if I hadn't learned all these things? I have spent a lot of 2014 hurting and have hurt others because of it. I hate that, but I'm stronger because of it. So pretty much, thank you, 2014. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, mom and dad and Alyssa and Brian and Monica. Thank you, Mila and Mr. B. Thank you Emi and Christian and Elyse and Kyle and Chelsea and many others.Thank you, to whoever is reading this :)

My Hardened Heart

It seemed like everything changed in a matter of minutes. One minute everything was fine. I was at work daydreaming about baby's room. Obviously, pink for a girl but I couldn't totally decide what color for a boy. The next minute...I remember my eyes widening as I felt something similar to a period cramp.

No no no no no no!!!!

I silently screamed to myself as I ran from my desk to the bathroom.

God, please not again.

It wasn't supposed to happen again. I knew the statistics-probably too well. The chance of a second consecutive miscarriage was slim. I suffered enough the first time. Surely I wasn't going to have to go thru it again.

That's when everything seemed to change in me. Emotionally; physically; mentally; spiritually; everything just changed. 

Things seemed to have been going so well. I really thought that even if it DID happen again, I'd be able to take it because I felt strong. Oh, how wrong I was. 

It seems like more people have asked me in the last few weeks if we have kids than ever before. Nobody knows quite how to react when I shift my eyes down to my hands and say "Well, we have 2 angel babies but no babies to hold yet." Of all the people I've ever asked if they had kids, nobody has ever said anything like that to me. But you know what? I freaking love my babies with all my heart. And it freaking sucks that they can't be here. The least I can do is acknowledge them as mine because they are.

And I'm mad about it. I'm freaking mad, guys. What's funny is that I'm not even mad at God. Sure, I know He could have saved them but I'm just not mad at Him. I'm just mad in general. I'm angry and bitter and hard inside. 

I get angry because people don't acknowledge this loss as a loss. HOW FREAKING HARD IS IT TO JUST SHOW SOMEONE YOU GIVE A SHIT?! After the first couple days, people forget but ya know what? I don't forget! Constantly. All day. I'm fighting tears. I signed up for so many damned pregnancy emails that every flippin day I'm being reminded how far along I should be and what I need to be doing today to prepare for baby. This coming Tuesday? This was supposed to be our first appointment to see baby Spud (Yes, I said Spud. Don't ask.) but instead, we are meeting with my OB for testing to see if we can find out what is wrong with me. Every time I see a pregnant lady or a lady with a newborn baby, it's like my heart just explodes and I can't hardly stand it.

Something SUPER frustrating is that I had to put my volunteer work with Thrive on hold. I just can't possibly bear the thought of being around people talking about babies. It kills me.

I'm a stinkin' hot mess and I know it...and when have I ever been one to hide how I feel? If it's too much, you didn't have to click my blog link. I'm emotional. I'm broken. I'm hurting. I'm lost. In just minutes, everything went from GREAT to HELL.

I genuinely thought of killing myself a couple weeks ago. Not just a passing thought...like it was more about the "how" than the "if". For a little while, I didn't even care that I would be leaving a husband and a family and friends behind. Thankfully I snapped out of it. I've acted and behaved uncharacteristically like crazy the last couple weeks. Yes, I'm on my meds. Yes, I'm seeing a counselor. No, I'm not going to kill myself.

What's totally annoying is that I KNOW everything is going to be okay. Sometimes (like now) I just want to be mad and sad and sulk but in the back of my head, I know without a shadow of a doubt that everything is going to get better. I"m not always going to be in this place. But for now, it's hell.  Jesus has helped me out of some pretty stinkin' dark places in my life. This right now I'm positive is the saddest place I've ever been, but I know He is bigger than it. 

It's only been three weeks. I know. Maybe I should give myself a slight break and not expect myself to just up and be OK. But with every day that passes and I'm in this place, it gets easier to stay. That's what is scary. That is why I am writing this. I need to actually say it (type it...) and get it out there. 

I know loss is inevitable. Gosh, it happens all the time. I know that. Most people do a better job at hiding their pain than I do...but I just can't do that. I can't pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I mean, I smile every day and act happy but I'm just NOT okay. 

My marriage has suffered because I have been a selfish, emotional wreck. My relationship with people closest to me has suffered because I am constantly feeling down and sad. But what is most scary is how much my relationship with God has suffered. I have talked to Him very few times the last couple weeks. I hate it. So why don't I get down on my knees now and talk to Him? I don't freaking know.

There is a quote about how after something huge happens in your life, you will never be the same. There is the you before that, and the you after that. Well what is there after the you that was already after that? Does that make sense? 

Are You Pro-Rape?

My doctor took me off anxiety medicine towards the beginning of this year. Apparently, they are not very safe for pregnancy so she said as long as there was a chance I could get pregnant, I needed to not be on them. Now, it's not so bad that I need a daily dose of the chill pill, but I'm excited about trying out some of Young Living's Essential Oils to help out when I need to calm the heck down. 'Why is this relevant?' you may be wondering. As I was driving to work this morning, a new hit by the oh-so-classy *insert eye roll* Nicki Minaj came on the radio. Almost instantly, I could feel my blood pressure rising and my chest started getting tight. As much as I hate when that happens, I hope my reaction to trash never changes. 

Do you want to know what also gives me anxiety?

The fact that so many people are pro-rape, pro-sex trafficking, anti-woman and don't even know it.

I definitely don't think a majority of people set out to be supportive of such heinous things such as rape or sex trafficking. I definitely do think, however, that TOO many people are TOO content in their lives to examine their actions and the repercussions of those actions.

There is a quote that I absolutely love by Elie Wiesel that says "We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

I'm just going to call it what it is. To quote my least favorite hashtag... #sorrynotsorry.

You CANNOT be pro-woman and listen to music by male artists who sing about using women for their pleasure. Women are not toys that men can do WHATEVER they want with WHENEVER they want. Furthermore, and what may be even more bothersome than that, you CANNOT be anti-rape and listen to music by female artists who sing about being sex toys for men. I would never, ever condone rape or blame the victim EVER but come on, people. As influential as music is, how can we expect men to respect women when these celebrities we idolize are flooding our heads with the idea that women are objects that all want to be used shamelessly by men? I think people think I'm kidding when I say I listen to almost nothing but the Frozen Soundtrack. Well, I'm not. I'd much rather jam out to Love is an Open Door than Anaconda. It is repulsive to me the amount of people who allow their children to listen to stations with such songs. We are raising the next generation! If we want men to respect women, we need to not be filling their heads with filth that teaches them that women are their toys! If we want women to gain the respect of men, how can we justify letting them listen to music TEACHING THEM THAT THEY ARE TO APPEASE MEN AT ANY AND ALL COST?!

You CANNOT be pro-woman if you dress to impress. I'm not talking about dressing nice or in a flattering way. Don't be silly-you know what I'm talking about. Whenever I hear women talking about how they dress a certain way for THEMSELVES, I fight an eye roll hardcore. You may have some people fooled, but not me. I have never put on a revealing outfit for myself. If I was dressing for myself, I'd throw my hair in a messy bun and rock the sweats and over-sized tee shirt. So why put on those bikinis or might-as-well-be-wearing-nothing shorts? Because we want to be noticed. Noticed by who? Definitely not our grandma. Definitely not our brothers. Please for the love of all things, if you have convinced yourself that you wear bikinis for YOU, realize you may be a part of the problem. I'm not a prude. I'm not against wearing things that make me look nice. I don't have low self confidence and that is why I feel this way. Crazy thing-I can look and feel good without bearing it all. We DEMAND respect from men and say it isn't our fault they look at us like meat, but I thought women were better than that? Take some responsibility. Have some self respect. If you are looking for one night stands and looking for men to dictate how you feel about yourself, then please disregard this section. If you are looking to be respected my the opposite sex, however, please re-evaluate you intentions the next time you look thru your closet.

You CANNOT be pro-woman and support porn, prostitution, strip clubs, erotica, etc. I personally feel like this is the most obvious one out there but I am constantly in AWE at how most people don't get it. 

Pornography? You cannot get upset at the horror that is rape or sex trafficking if you are pro-pornography. Please see more of my thoughts on the harm of pornography in my last blog post. Porn does absolutely nothing but de-humanize women. If you have ANY respect for women at all, even just the idea of exploiting women in this way should make you want to be sick. Do your research, my friends. There are an unsettling amount of studies that show the link between rape and pornography. Men watch pornography and WANT that kind of physical experience. In pornography, women are depicted as willing individuals that are ready to please a man-no matter what. In real life, you hear "I'm too tired tonight" or "Yeah I'm not comfortable with that". So what's a man to do? He CRAVES that physical interaction like the one he views in pornography. If you are supportive of pornography, you may be a part of the problem.

Prostitution? Basically, it's my opinion that men who buy women for their bodies are the lowest of low human beings on the planet. If you are currently supportive of the sex selling industry, you are definitely a part of the problem. How can we expect men to respect women when there is an industry that allows and promotes the using of women's bodies for the pleasure of anyone who is willing to pay?

Same with supporting strip clubs and strippers. No, I have personally never been to a strip club and I really don't feel the need to-I get depressed enough at Hooters and Hotshots. Have you not seen the way men stare at these women? Yet, we think men should respect women. 

Except when you are in a strip club. No, in those cases you don't have to respect women.

Moving on...

The statement "Sex sells" is a false one. I know the intentions behind the statement, but if we want to be correct, PORNIFIED sex sells. REAL sex doesn't sell. Love, commitment, passion, and selflessness doesn't sell. We blame society on the sexualized culture we live in. NEWSFLASH! We ARE society!!!! 

Everywhere we look there is sex. Music, movies, tv, ads...I get it. Everywhere. Why is that, though? We already went over this...because it SELLS. Why does it sell? Oh yes. Because society loves it. Eats it up. Can't get enough. Again, we ARE society. Do I honestly believe that we can fix this problem? No. I don't. Not to be a pessimist, but people love sex and pornified sex at that. That is never going to change. Even if we COULD fix the problem, people would have to stop being hypocrites and that is just too darn inconvenient.

Be one or the other. If you claim to be anti-rape or pro-women, be it all the time. Not just when it works best for you or when it is cool. 

I am a lot more critical of women than I am men- not because I think men don't need to take on some responsibility but because I AM a woman and I think we are better than just pushing it off as a man's problem.

Really, though, it is a people problem. 

As women, respect yourselves more. If listening to music or watching scenes that are basically instructing men to use your body doesn't TICK YOU OFF, my heart hurts for you. We are more than that. Because really, that is exactly what it is. An instruction manual. 

As men, Man up. The vulgar jokes, the lingering stares, surrounding yourself with entertainment that de-humanizes women...none of that is respectful. It's not okay. You can't claim to have respect for some women but not all.

As a parent, teach your children from a young age to respect the opposite sex. They will watch and listen to what YOU allow them to. There is no way to protect them completely from our pornified society, but you have the ability to shape and mold them into decent adults who *gasp* have respect for themselves and each other.

As a husband, respect your wives. What is the point of marriage if you just go around lusting after women? Whether that be on the streets or on a screen, wrong is wrong. That woman you are day-dreaming about? That is someone else's wife or future wife. 

As a wife, respect the boundaries of marriage. Do we really want other men seeing parts of ourselves that are for our husbands? Do we really want another woman's husband lusting after us? "Well it isn't my fault-he needs to watch his eyes". I call BS. 

Pretty much, stop gasping and getting angry whenever there is a news article of a man raping a women. Stop shaking your head in disgust when you read about a sex-trafficking ring getting busted. If you can't walk the walk of a respectable man or woman, just stop. 

How Porn Harmed MY Life

I was ten when I lost my innocence. Ten. Over half my life ago. Now, I can't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, but I remember every little detail of how it happened. When I think about how I was still in a training bra and watching Arthur on Channel 9 when I was ten, my heart just breaks for my little ten year old self.

I look at kids now who are around that age- so eager to grow up and be a part of the "big kid" world. So badly I just want to hold them and tell them to slow down. "Don't do it! It's a trap!" screams in my head. I have to realize, though, that if someone had told me that when I was ten, I probably would have laughed at them and figured they just didn't get it.

The buzz on the playground among my 4th grade peers was an internet chat room where you could be whoever and whatever you want and boys liked you. It took me quite a while to work up the guts to go to that chat room-long after the hype on the playground had died. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I wanted to know what it was all about!

I fully believe that all the years of promiscuity and rebellion to follow were a direct stem from this. If only I knew when I was ten...

One day, when I was all alone in the house, I gave in to my curiosity. I can still remember how my heart pounded as I typed in the website address slowly. To say I was TERRIFIED of getting caught would be an understatement. I didn't wan't my parents to be disappointed in me or think there was something wrong with me.

After a couple days of visiting this chatroom and just simply watching the lewd conversations on the main page, I worked up the courage to type out "I am a 10 year old girl who wants to talk to a boy :)". Enter. How naive and innocent I was.

I got SO many private conversation popups. I started chatting daily with a man in his 20's who said he was in Texas. He seemed nice and really seemed to care about my life. One day, he asked me if I wanted to see something cool. Uh, YEAH SURE. That was the first pornographic image I had ever seen.

I remember feeling so dirty and ashamed. This man assured me though that it was a normal thing of life and there was nothing to be ashamed of. To make matters even worse, he taught me about masturbation. I'm going to repeat, again, that I was TEN.

Eventually, my parents found out about my internet problem; although, I don't think they ever really knew the extent of it. Even though I was no longer going on the chatrooms, the damage had been done. One way or the other, I got my hands on pornographic images. I HAD to. I was DRAWN to them. ADDICTED.

I was ten.

And it never stopped.

It was a struggle every day of my life. Something I felt guilty for every...single...day.

Because of this, I had such unrealistic expectations of men and sex. My parents...they were such good role models for us kids. They showed us how a real, Christ-filled marriage was. They taught us about God's plan for sex. Still though, I was confused because what they told us was SO different than what I was viewing every single day. In the midst of my viewing pornographic material, it felt so good how COULD it be wrong?

When I was 16, I got my first job and it was my first real exposure to pigs-I mean men. Coming from a Christian and primarily homeschooled background, the guys there were drawn to my innocent appearing self and I was drawn to the attention. I allowed myself to be used by them...even men years and years older than myself. I had a terribly low self esteem and thought that the only way a man was going to like me was if I presented myself in a way that the women in my precious porn did.

I was barely 17 when I lost my virginity. It was NOTHING like how it was in my precious porn. I cried and cried later because I thought there was something wrong with me. Even more than that, I felt dirty. It felt so wrong.

Despite my shame and disappointment, I went on with my promiscuity-desperately searching for an experience that could compare to those in my precious porn. Surely, it could happen for me. Time and time again, though, nothing could compare to what went on in my room by myself.

While I searched, my heart became more and more empty. My depression sky rocketed (I was cutting myself by the age of 13 and continued to do so on and off my entire teenage existence) and I distanced myself from my family.

I had many "come to Jesus" moments at youth groups and churches and I would vow to change my ways. I desperately WANTED to change my ways. And I would for a little while, but I always went back to my precious porn.

My 18th year was the worst year by far. I was in a toxic relationship with a man who used me daily for his wishes...and I let him because I thought that's what I had to do. Every time we broke up, I had withdrawals and found myself in the arms of someone else-even women-because my entire self worth was based on how desired I felt. I turned to alcohol. There is one night that I STILL don't know if I was raped or just sexually assaulted because I was so drunk.

The day we broke up for good was probably the best day of my life-although I didn't see it then.

Not long after, my broken self met Joe.

The day after we started dating, I got shamefully intoxicated and threw myself at him. Obviously, I don't remember this, but he recalls that I told him "If you want to have your way with me, have at it". What a sweet gentleman he was. He tucked me into bed and took care of me and never took advantage of the situation.

That was when life started changing for me. He showed me what it was like to be truly loved and respected. At the beginning, it was hard for me to accept that. I broke up with him not long into our relationship and found myself with another guy. It was the cycle I was used to. Still, daily, I depended on my precious porn. For reasons I don't understand still, he took me back. We started going to church again and incorporating Christ in our relationship.

Still, though, I struggled with my precious porn. I couldn't give it up. I tried and failed so many times. He didn't know the extent of my struggles because I was so ashamed and couldn't tell him. I was so afraid that if he knew, he would leave. How silly of me. Even after everything, Satan shamed me so deeply that I thought I couldn't talk about it with ANYONE.

I struggled in silence for a long time. Once we got married, I still struggled and I still had unrealistic views of sex. I remember one night, not long after we were married, just crying because I didn't know what was wrong. Still, I found myself finding more enjoyment alone with my precious porn than I did with my own husband. I knew exactly how I liked it and I was convinced that Joe could never compare. Our sex life was drowning because I just KNEW how it was supposed to be. I made him feel guilty for it-like it was HIS problem.

Not until this year was I able to open up and tell him exactly how bad it was-how much I depended on my precious porn. Christ had been working on my heart and I knew that if I was ever going to be able to move forward and heal from that part of my life, I had to confide in the partner He had given me. I sobbed as I poured my heart out to him-terrified of the consequences but I knew I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't stop watching porn in an instant. I STILL struggle with it. Daily. Daily, it is a temptation. I'm proud to say that my eyes have been porn free for a while now, but I still crave it. Now, though? Now I don't feel so alone in my struggle. My husband has been unbelievably supportive in helping me overcome my addiction. He has never condemned me or judged me. He holds me when I cry and celebrates in my victories.

This has been a long post, and if you are still reading this, I think you are a rockstar. I have been wanting to write about my struggle for some time, but I have been hiding behind the shame that Satan wants me to have.

I've been posting a lot of articles about how porn harms and I've had a lot of backlash for it. So many people have told me that it's not bad and that I'm just being judgmental. To you, I want you to reread this blog post.

My struggle is 12 years long-beginning as a ten year old little girl just being curious. I know firsthand how porn harms.

Because of porn, I was obsessed with things that no 10 year old should ever worry about.

Because of porn, I still bear the scars today from years of cutting.

Because of porn, I had an unrealistic expectation of how sex should be.

Because of porn, I gave the body that was meant for my husband away.

Because of porn, I searched for an experience that could compare to my precious porn.

Because of porn, I allowed myself to be used by many men.

Because of porn, I struggled to enjoy sex in my marriage because I thought only IT and myself could be satisfying.

Because of porn, my relationship with my family was deeply hurt.

Because of porn, I loathed God for allowing me to struggle.

Because of porn, I allowed Satan to control my self worth.

Because of porn, I was ruled by shame and disgust for myself.

I hope you understand the connection between all those things. It was a vicious and slippery slope that all began when I was ten years old having viewed my first pornographic image.

When people say that porn is harmless and that it doesn't affect them negatively, the first thing I want to do is laugh because I know how untrue that is. I don't believe there is a single person out there who has not been touched negatively by pornography. Even thru people who say it hasn't, I can see where in their lives it has. It makes me sad thinking that they don't see it. 

What makes me even more sad, is thinking how many people are struggling alone. THAT is probably the biggest reason I wrote this post. Halfway thru, I stopped. I told my husband that I feel like I was standing in front of a crowd of people, naked. I feel so exposed and I am struggling with feeling ashamed. Satan still knows how to make me feel bad...and I'm working on not allowing him to have that control over me.

If you think that your porn addiction is not a problem, you are sadly mistaken. I encourage you to take a deeper look at your heart and your life and try to find what is being affected by porn-because I promise you it is there. Some people think it is normal to look at porn and may not have struggled the way I did. I KNEW in my heart it was wrong the whole time and THAT is what tormented me day in and day out.

To my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, read this verse:

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

I cannot say that a single pure, lovely, admirable, true, noble, or praiseworthy thing has ever come out of my porn addiction. You read the "Because of's" a few paragraphs up. I attempted to destroy God's plan for me-I certainly destroyed His plan for my future marriage. I will never be able to take that back and I wish more than anything I could have saved my entire self for Joe. It would have been worth it. But because of my struggle (stemming back to my porn exposure at the age of ten), I gave myself away. Searching for that thing.

Watching pornography is not admirable. It is not honorable. It is not respectful. 

I know that now.

But guess what? We have a Heavenly Father who is unbelievably gracious and merciful. He loves us SO MUCH. He died for us. He died for my sins. He died for your sins. We do not have to be trapped in our sin and we don't have to suffer alone.

We do not have to be ashamed. Shame is a feeling straight from Satan. Friends, please, do not let yourself be ruled by the shame that I was controlled by for so long. I promise you, there IS healing and there ARE people who can help you-myself included. I fully believe that God allows us to go thru trials in our lives so that we can be there for people who may go thru the same thing. That's why I believe transparency is SO important. I don't want anyone to feel alone the way I did. God allowed me to struggle. I did not struggle well for a long time, but I am incredibly thankful for this journey I have been on. I believe with all my heart that if you do not use your struggles and your journey in a way that builds up His kingdom, you are wasting your struggle.

To the one who's opinion that porn isn't harmful, I'd like for you to have been able to tell my ten year old self that. 

I'd say that I am living proof that it is.