Oh 2014....

2014 has hands down been the most emotional, up and down year of my life. I truly feel like after this year, I will be able to face anything and everything life will throw at me for years to come. It's not that I'm not thankful for this year, but really 2014 can kiss my hiney ;) I'm GLAD this year is over-GLAD for a new year and a chance to start clean. It feels so goofy saying that-as if simply going from December 31st to January 1st will magically make everything better. Honestly, though, '2014' will forever follow some pretty awful experiences in my life so it is nice to move forward.

In 2014, I learned that He gives and takes away. I'm still trying to figure all that out to be honest. "Why" is something I really want to know but may just have to be content with not knowing at least for a while. I'm not sure why we had to lose two babies but we did. And I'm not mad at Him for it, just more not understanding completely. The loss of our babies took me to a pretty scary place where I could have and almost lost everything and I guess coming to the other side of it, it will make me a stronger person and make me and Joe stronger as a couple. I'm still a little scared to be too excited about this baby we have now (and probably will be scared until the moment this baby is in our arms), and that breaks my heart. But, hearing Baby Boo's heartbeat was the sweetest thing I have ever experienced. I don't know if I would have been able to appreciate it as MUCH as I did if we hadn't have been waiting so long to hear a heartbeat. Because of our losses, I did get diagnosed with a potentially life threatening blood clotting disorder. Because of our losses, I have an insane appreciation for and value LIFE more than I ever did before. Because of our losses, I can relate so much to other people who have been broken in this life. I can't say that I feel like a great example of keeping the faith and whatnot at this point, but I'm working on it.

I learned that there is nothing wrong with binge-watching Netflix. I used to feel really guilty when I would come home and sit on the couch for hours watching Netflix. Then it hit me. I'm a grown up! I did my time of "Katie, clean your room/vacuum the floor/do another chapter of English" so if I come home from a long day at work and just want to do nothing, THAT'S OKAY. It sure as heck won't be like that for forever so why not take advantage of it while I can? As long as the house isn't in a total state of chaos, I'm going to give myself a break and watch some freaking Netflix.

I learned that saying "no" is okay. If you don't feel like doing something, say no. Don't make excuses. Don't feel like you have to explain yourself. "No" is a complete sentence. Obviously, a part of life is sometimes having to do things you don't want to do; but. if you really want to NOT go see that movie so and so invited you to, say no and NOT because you are *coughcough* sick. You really don't have to please EVERYONE. And let me tell ya, I am so glad I learned this one this year.

I learned that the word "grace" is a really relevant word. I spent a lot of time towards the beginning of the year hating on Joel Osteen and his hyper-grace stuff. I spent a LOT of time preaching about how we as Christ followers ARE to judge each other and blah blah blah. Well let me tell you, after being the brunt of some serious judgement, I am here to say that I feel pretty darn awful for some of the things I have thought and said in the last year. 2014 held some pretty great mistakes for me. Things I thought I was past, turns out I wasn't and they came back with a vengeance. Thank GOD for grace-even though I am really so undeserving. I'm still working on forgiving myself and working on moving past some things that I've carried with me a majority of my life, but God has made it pretty clear He forgives me and the people most relevant to my life forgive me. Joe and my family have been unbelievably patient and have loved me unconditionally in my darkest moments of 2014, and that is what matters most to me. Everyone else is just background noise and I'm thankful that their opinions of me don't make a lick of difference on whether or not these people or Jesus forgives me.

I learned that family isn't always blood. Just because you share the same last name or some of the same DNA or whatever, doesn't make them family. It's about who is there for you in your darkest moments. It's about who loves unconditionally and accepts you-flaws and all. We learned this the hard way this year, but we will forever be thankful for it. We were majorly let down and hurt, but others really picked up the slack and that has been freaking wonderful. We have tightened our bonds with the family that counts and have created our own little family of irreplaceable friends.

I learned that transparency is important. In a huge way, this one goes hand and hand with the above paragraph. I believe with all my heart that God allows us to go thru hard things in life so that we can be there for others who have or may go thru the same thing. To pretend like everything is okay and suffer silently, we are wasting our struggle. Whether it be my miscarriages or my pornography addiction, God has clearly asked me to be transparent and because of that, I have been given the opportunity to be there for others going thru the same things. He has really used me this year and I can't wait for Him to keep using me.

I learned that just because someone is younger than you, doesn't make them less than you. And by this, I'm thinking of two specific ladies. Alyssa and Emi. I think I have learned more from them than I ever have from anyone my own age or older. Never have I ever met two people with better heads on their shoulders. Their passion for Jesus and for life always inspires me. They have both shown me that I'm more than my past mistakes. They have both shown me that it is possible to have a really crappy day but still put a smile on my face. They have both shown me what it means to really be there for someone when they need it. I'm so thankful for them. I can say with confidence that these two win the trophy for most influential in my life in 2014 :P

I learned that Christmas and cats don't go well together. I mean, really. I started the season with some awesome Christmas decorations and am going to end it with a bunch of half-eaten decorations and a tree that may not ever bounce back.

Okay. I feel like I could go on for forever. 2014 has really been a crazy year. I'm glad its coming to an end, but where would I be if I hadn't learned all these things? I have spent a lot of 2014 hurting and have hurt others because of it. I hate that, but I'm stronger because of it. So pretty much, thank you, 2014. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, mom and dad and Alyssa and Brian and Monica. Thank you, Mila and Mr. B. Thank you Emi and Christian and Elyse and Kyle and Chelsea and many others.Thank you, to whoever is reading this :)