Oh 2014....

2014 has hands down been the most emotional, up and down year of my life. I truly feel like after this year, I will be able to face anything and everything life will throw at me for years to come. It's not that I'm not thankful for this year, but really 2014 can kiss my hiney ;) I'm GLAD this year is over-GLAD for a new year and a chance to start clean. It feels so goofy saying that-as if simply going from December 31st to January 1st will magically make everything better. Honestly, though, '2014' will forever follow some pretty awful experiences in my life so it is nice to move forward.

In 2014, I learned that He gives and takes away. I'm still trying to figure all that out to be honest. "Why" is something I really want to know but may just have to be content with not knowing at least for a while. I'm not sure why we had to lose two babies but we did. And I'm not mad at Him for it, just more not understanding completely. The loss of our babies took me to a pretty scary place where I could have and almost lost everything and I guess coming to the other side of it, it will make me a stronger person and make me and Joe stronger as a couple. I'm still a little scared to be too excited about this baby we have now (and probably will be scared until the moment this baby is in our arms), and that breaks my heart. But, hearing Baby Boo's heartbeat was the sweetest thing I have ever experienced. I don't know if I would have been able to appreciate it as MUCH as I did if we hadn't have been waiting so long to hear a heartbeat. Because of our losses, I did get diagnosed with a potentially life threatening blood clotting disorder. Because of our losses, I have an insane appreciation for and value LIFE more than I ever did before. Because of our losses, I can relate so much to other people who have been broken in this life. I can't say that I feel like a great example of keeping the faith and whatnot at this point, but I'm working on it.

I learned that there is nothing wrong with binge-watching Netflix. I used to feel really guilty when I would come home and sit on the couch for hours watching Netflix. Then it hit me. I'm a grown up! I did my time of "Katie, clean your room/vacuum the floor/do another chapter of English" so if I come home from a long day at work and just want to do nothing, THAT'S OKAY. It sure as heck won't be like that for forever so why not take advantage of it while I can? As long as the house isn't in a total state of chaos, I'm going to give myself a break and watch some freaking Netflix.

I learned that saying "no" is okay. If you don't feel like doing something, say no. Don't make excuses. Don't feel like you have to explain yourself. "No" is a complete sentence. Obviously, a part of life is sometimes having to do things you don't want to do; but. if you really want to NOT go see that movie so and so invited you to, say no and NOT because you are *coughcough* sick. You really don't have to please EVERYONE. And let me tell ya, I am so glad I learned this one this year.

I learned that the word "grace" is a really relevant word. I spent a lot of time towards the beginning of the year hating on Joel Osteen and his hyper-grace stuff. I spent a LOT of time preaching about how we as Christ followers ARE to judge each other and blah blah blah. Well let me tell you, after being the brunt of some serious judgement, I am here to say that I feel pretty darn awful for some of the things I have thought and said in the last year. 2014 held some pretty great mistakes for me. Things I thought I was past, turns out I wasn't and they came back with a vengeance. Thank GOD for grace-even though I am really so undeserving. I'm still working on forgiving myself and working on moving past some things that I've carried with me a majority of my life, but God has made it pretty clear He forgives me and the people most relevant to my life forgive me. Joe and my family have been unbelievably patient and have loved me unconditionally in my darkest moments of 2014, and that is what matters most to me. Everyone else is just background noise and I'm thankful that their opinions of me don't make a lick of difference on whether or not these people or Jesus forgives me.

I learned that family isn't always blood. Just because you share the same last name or some of the same DNA or whatever, doesn't make them family. It's about who is there for you in your darkest moments. It's about who loves unconditionally and accepts you-flaws and all. We learned this the hard way this year, but we will forever be thankful for it. We were majorly let down and hurt, but others really picked up the slack and that has been freaking wonderful. We have tightened our bonds with the family that counts and have created our own little family of irreplaceable friends.

I learned that transparency is important. In a huge way, this one goes hand and hand with the above paragraph. I believe with all my heart that God allows us to go thru hard things in life so that we can be there for others who have or may go thru the same thing. To pretend like everything is okay and suffer silently, we are wasting our struggle. Whether it be my miscarriages or my pornography addiction, God has clearly asked me to be transparent and because of that, I have been given the opportunity to be there for others going thru the same things. He has really used me this year and I can't wait for Him to keep using me.

I learned that just because someone is younger than you, doesn't make them less than you. And by this, I'm thinking of two specific ladies. Alyssa and Emi. I think I have learned more from them than I ever have from anyone my own age or older. Never have I ever met two people with better heads on their shoulders. Their passion for Jesus and for life always inspires me. They have both shown me that I'm more than my past mistakes. They have both shown me that it is possible to have a really crappy day but still put a smile on my face. They have both shown me what it means to really be there for someone when they need it. I'm so thankful for them. I can say with confidence that these two win the trophy for most influential in my life in 2014 :P

I learned that Christmas and cats don't go well together. I mean, really. I started the season with some awesome Christmas decorations and am going to end it with a bunch of half-eaten decorations and a tree that may not ever bounce back.

Okay. I feel like I could go on for forever. 2014 has really been a crazy year. I'm glad its coming to an end, but where would I be if I hadn't learned all these things? I have spent a lot of 2014 hurting and have hurt others because of it. I hate that, but I'm stronger because of it. So pretty much, thank you, 2014. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, mom and dad and Alyssa and Brian and Monica. Thank you, Mila and Mr. B. Thank you Emi and Christian and Elyse and Kyle and Chelsea and many others.Thank you, to whoever is reading this :)

My Hardened Heart

It seemed like everything changed in a matter of minutes. One minute everything was fine. I was at work daydreaming about baby's room. Obviously, pink for a girl but I couldn't totally decide what color for a boy. The next minute...I remember my eyes widening as I felt something similar to a period cramp.

No no no no no no!!!!

I silently screamed to myself as I ran from my desk to the bathroom.

God, please not again.

It wasn't supposed to happen again. I knew the statistics-probably too well. The chance of a second consecutive miscarriage was slim. I suffered enough the first time. Surely I wasn't going to have to go thru it again.

That's when everything seemed to change in me. Emotionally; physically; mentally; spiritually; everything just changed. 

Things seemed to have been going so well. I really thought that even if it DID happen again, I'd be able to take it because I felt strong. Oh, how wrong I was. 

It seems like more people have asked me in the last few weeks if we have kids than ever before. Nobody knows quite how to react when I shift my eyes down to my hands and say "Well, we have 2 angel babies but no babies to hold yet." Of all the people I've ever asked if they had kids, nobody has ever said anything like that to me. But you know what? I freaking love my babies with all my heart. And it freaking sucks that they can't be here. The least I can do is acknowledge them as mine because they are.

And I'm mad about it. I'm freaking mad, guys. What's funny is that I'm not even mad at God. Sure, I know He could have saved them but I'm just not mad at Him. I'm just mad in general. I'm angry and bitter and hard inside. 

I get angry because people don't acknowledge this loss as a loss. HOW FREAKING HARD IS IT TO JUST SHOW SOMEONE YOU GIVE A SHIT?! After the first couple days, people forget but ya know what? I don't forget! Constantly. All day. I'm fighting tears. I signed up for so many damned pregnancy emails that every flippin day I'm being reminded how far along I should be and what I need to be doing today to prepare for baby. This coming Tuesday? This was supposed to be our first appointment to see baby Spud (Yes, I said Spud. Don't ask.) but instead, we are meeting with my OB for testing to see if we can find out what is wrong with me. Every time I see a pregnant lady or a lady with a newborn baby, it's like my heart just explodes and I can't hardly stand it.

Something SUPER frustrating is that I had to put my volunteer work with Thrive on hold. I just can't possibly bear the thought of being around people talking about babies. It kills me.

I'm a stinkin' hot mess and I know it...and when have I ever been one to hide how I feel? If it's too much, you didn't have to click my blog link. I'm emotional. I'm broken. I'm hurting. I'm lost. In just minutes, everything went from GREAT to HELL.

I genuinely thought of killing myself a couple weeks ago. Not just a passing thought...like it was more about the "how" than the "if". For a little while, I didn't even care that I would be leaving a husband and a family and friends behind. Thankfully I snapped out of it. I've acted and behaved uncharacteristically like crazy the last couple weeks. Yes, I'm on my meds. Yes, I'm seeing a counselor. No, I'm not going to kill myself.

What's totally annoying is that I KNOW everything is going to be okay. Sometimes (like now) I just want to be mad and sad and sulk but in the back of my head, I know without a shadow of a doubt that everything is going to get better. I"m not always going to be in this place. But for now, it's hell.  Jesus has helped me out of some pretty stinkin' dark places in my life. This right now I'm positive is the saddest place I've ever been, but I know He is bigger than it. 

It's only been three weeks. I know. Maybe I should give myself a slight break and not expect myself to just up and be OK. But with every day that passes and I'm in this place, it gets easier to stay. That's what is scary. That is why I am writing this. I need to actually say it (type it...) and get it out there. 

I know loss is inevitable. Gosh, it happens all the time. I know that. Most people do a better job at hiding their pain than I do...but I just can't do that. I can't pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I mean, I smile every day and act happy but I'm just NOT okay. 

My marriage has suffered because I have been a selfish, emotional wreck. My relationship with people closest to me has suffered because I am constantly feeling down and sad. But what is most scary is how much my relationship with God has suffered. I have talked to Him very few times the last couple weeks. I hate it. So why don't I get down on my knees now and talk to Him? I don't freaking know.

There is a quote about how after something huge happens in your life, you will never be the same. There is the you before that, and the you after that. Well what is there after the you that was already after that? Does that make sense? 

Are You Pro-Rape?

My doctor took me off anxiety medicine towards the beginning of this year. Apparently, they are not very safe for pregnancy so she said as long as there was a chance I could get pregnant, I needed to not be on them. Now, it's not so bad that I need a daily dose of the chill pill, but I'm excited about trying out some of Young Living's Essential Oils to help out when I need to calm the heck down. 'Why is this relevant?' you may be wondering. As I was driving to work this morning, a new hit by the oh-so-classy *insert eye roll* Nicki Minaj came on the radio. Almost instantly, I could feel my blood pressure rising and my chest started getting tight. As much as I hate when that happens, I hope my reaction to trash never changes. 

Do you want to know what also gives me anxiety?

The fact that so many people are pro-rape, pro-sex trafficking, anti-woman and don't even know it.

I definitely don't think a majority of people set out to be supportive of such heinous things such as rape or sex trafficking. I definitely do think, however, that TOO many people are TOO content in their lives to examine their actions and the repercussions of those actions.

There is a quote that I absolutely love by Elie Wiesel that says "We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

I'm just going to call it what it is. To quote my least favorite hashtag... #sorrynotsorry.

You CANNOT be pro-woman and listen to music by male artists who sing about using women for their pleasure. Women are not toys that men can do WHATEVER they want with WHENEVER they want. Furthermore, and what may be even more bothersome than that, you CANNOT be anti-rape and listen to music by female artists who sing about being sex toys for men. I would never, ever condone rape or blame the victim EVER but come on, people. As influential as music is, how can we expect men to respect women when these celebrities we idolize are flooding our heads with the idea that women are objects that all want to be used shamelessly by men? I think people think I'm kidding when I say I listen to almost nothing but the Frozen Soundtrack. Well, I'm not. I'd much rather jam out to Love is an Open Door than Anaconda. It is repulsive to me the amount of people who allow their children to listen to stations with such songs. We are raising the next generation! If we want men to respect women, we need to not be filling their heads with filth that teaches them that women are their toys! If we want women to gain the respect of men, how can we justify letting them listen to music TEACHING THEM THAT THEY ARE TO APPEASE MEN AT ANY AND ALL COST?!

You CANNOT be pro-woman if you dress to impress. I'm not talking about dressing nice or in a flattering way. Don't be silly-you know what I'm talking about. Whenever I hear women talking about how they dress a certain way for THEMSELVES, I fight an eye roll hardcore. You may have some people fooled, but not me. I have never put on a revealing outfit for myself. If I was dressing for myself, I'd throw my hair in a messy bun and rock the sweats and over-sized tee shirt. So why put on those bikinis or might-as-well-be-wearing-nothing shorts? Because we want to be noticed. Noticed by who? Definitely not our grandma. Definitely not our brothers. Please for the love of all things, if you have convinced yourself that you wear bikinis for YOU, realize you may be a part of the problem. I'm not a prude. I'm not against wearing things that make me look nice. I don't have low self confidence and that is why I feel this way. Crazy thing-I can look and feel good without bearing it all. We DEMAND respect from men and say it isn't our fault they look at us like meat, but I thought women were better than that? Take some responsibility. Have some self respect. If you are looking for one night stands and looking for men to dictate how you feel about yourself, then please disregard this section. If you are looking to be respected my the opposite sex, however, please re-evaluate you intentions the next time you look thru your closet.

You CANNOT be pro-woman and support porn, prostitution, strip clubs, erotica, etc. I personally feel like this is the most obvious one out there but I am constantly in AWE at how most people don't get it. 

Pornography? You cannot get upset at the horror that is rape or sex trafficking if you are pro-pornography. Please see more of my thoughts on the harm of pornography in my last blog post. Porn does absolutely nothing but de-humanize women. If you have ANY respect for women at all, even just the idea of exploiting women in this way should make you want to be sick. Do your research, my friends. There are an unsettling amount of studies that show the link between rape and pornography. Men watch pornography and WANT that kind of physical experience. In pornography, women are depicted as willing individuals that are ready to please a man-no matter what. In real life, you hear "I'm too tired tonight" or "Yeah I'm not comfortable with that". So what's a man to do? He CRAVES that physical interaction like the one he views in pornography. If you are supportive of pornography, you may be a part of the problem.

Prostitution? Basically, it's my opinion that men who buy women for their bodies are the lowest of low human beings on the planet. If you are currently supportive of the sex selling industry, you are definitely a part of the problem. How can we expect men to respect women when there is an industry that allows and promotes the using of women's bodies for the pleasure of anyone who is willing to pay?

Same with supporting strip clubs and strippers. No, I have personally never been to a strip club and I really don't feel the need to-I get depressed enough at Hooters and Hotshots. Have you not seen the way men stare at these women? Yet, we think men should respect women. 

Except when you are in a strip club. No, in those cases you don't have to respect women.

Moving on...

The statement "Sex sells" is a false one. I know the intentions behind the statement, but if we want to be correct, PORNIFIED sex sells. REAL sex doesn't sell. Love, commitment, passion, and selflessness doesn't sell. We blame society on the sexualized culture we live in. NEWSFLASH! We ARE society!!!! 

Everywhere we look there is sex. Music, movies, tv, ads...I get it. Everywhere. Why is that, though? We already went over this...because it SELLS. Why does it sell? Oh yes. Because society loves it. Eats it up. Can't get enough. Again, we ARE society. Do I honestly believe that we can fix this problem? No. I don't. Not to be a pessimist, but people love sex and pornified sex at that. That is never going to change. Even if we COULD fix the problem, people would have to stop being hypocrites and that is just too darn inconvenient.

Be one or the other. If you claim to be anti-rape or pro-women, be it all the time. Not just when it works best for you or when it is cool. 

I am a lot more critical of women than I am men- not because I think men don't need to take on some responsibility but because I AM a woman and I think we are better than just pushing it off as a man's problem.

Really, though, it is a people problem. 

As women, respect yourselves more. If listening to music or watching scenes that are basically instructing men to use your body doesn't TICK YOU OFF, my heart hurts for you. We are more than that. Because really, that is exactly what it is. An instruction manual. 

As men, Man up. The vulgar jokes, the lingering stares, surrounding yourself with entertainment that de-humanizes women...none of that is respectful. It's not okay. You can't claim to have respect for some women but not all.

As a parent, teach your children from a young age to respect the opposite sex. They will watch and listen to what YOU allow them to. There is no way to protect them completely from our pornified society, but you have the ability to shape and mold them into decent adults who *gasp* have respect for themselves and each other.

As a husband, respect your wives. What is the point of marriage if you just go around lusting after women? Whether that be on the streets or on a screen, wrong is wrong. That woman you are day-dreaming about? That is someone else's wife or future wife. 

As a wife, respect the boundaries of marriage. Do we really want other men seeing parts of ourselves that are for our husbands? Do we really want another woman's husband lusting after us? "Well it isn't my fault-he needs to watch his eyes". I call BS. 

Pretty much, stop gasping and getting angry whenever there is a news article of a man raping a women. Stop shaking your head in disgust when you read about a sex-trafficking ring getting busted. If you can't walk the walk of a respectable man or woman, just stop. 

How Porn Harmed MY Life

I was ten when I lost my innocence. Ten. Over half my life ago. Now, I can't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, but I remember every little detail of how it happened. When I think about how I was still in a training bra and watching Arthur on Channel 9 when I was ten, my heart just breaks for my little ten year old self.

I look at kids now who are around that age- so eager to grow up and be a part of the "big kid" world. So badly I just want to hold them and tell them to slow down. "Don't do it! It's a trap!" screams in my head. I have to realize, though, that if someone had told me that when I was ten, I probably would have laughed at them and figured they just didn't get it.

The buzz on the playground among my 4th grade peers was an internet chat room where you could be whoever and whatever you want and boys liked you. It took me quite a while to work up the guts to go to that chat room-long after the hype on the playground had died. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I wanted to know what it was all about!

I fully believe that all the years of promiscuity and rebellion to follow were a direct stem from this. If only I knew when I was ten...

One day, when I was all alone in the house, I gave in to my curiosity. I can still remember how my heart pounded as I typed in the website address slowly. To say I was TERRIFIED of getting caught would be an understatement. I didn't wan't my parents to be disappointed in me or think there was something wrong with me.

After a couple days of visiting this chatroom and just simply watching the lewd conversations on the main page, I worked up the courage to type out "I am a 10 year old girl who wants to talk to a boy :)". Enter. How naive and innocent I was.

I got SO many private conversation popups. I started chatting daily with a man in his 20's who said he was in Texas. He seemed nice and really seemed to care about my life. One day, he asked me if I wanted to see something cool. Uh, YEAH SURE. That was the first pornographic image I had ever seen.

I remember feeling so dirty and ashamed. This man assured me though that it was a normal thing of life and there was nothing to be ashamed of. To make matters even worse, he taught me about masturbation. I'm going to repeat, again, that I was TEN.

Eventually, my parents found out about my internet problem; although, I don't think they ever really knew the extent of it. Even though I was no longer going on the chatrooms, the damage had been done. One way or the other, I got my hands on pornographic images. I HAD to. I was DRAWN to them. ADDICTED.

I was ten.

And it never stopped.

It was a struggle every day of my life. Something I felt guilty for every...single...day.

Because of this, I had such unrealistic expectations of men and sex. My parents...they were such good role models for us kids. They showed us how a real, Christ-filled marriage was. They taught us about God's plan for sex. Still though, I was confused because what they told us was SO different than what I was viewing every single day. In the midst of my viewing pornographic material, it felt so good how COULD it be wrong?

When I was 16, I got my first job and it was my first real exposure to pigs-I mean men. Coming from a Christian and primarily homeschooled background, the guys there were drawn to my innocent appearing self and I was drawn to the attention. I allowed myself to be used by them...even men years and years older than myself. I had a terribly low self esteem and thought that the only way a man was going to like me was if I presented myself in a way that the women in my precious porn did.

I was barely 17 when I lost my virginity. It was NOTHING like how it was in my precious porn. I cried and cried later because I thought there was something wrong with me. Even more than that, I felt dirty. It felt so wrong.

Despite my shame and disappointment, I went on with my promiscuity-desperately searching for an experience that could compare to those in my precious porn. Surely, it could happen for me. Time and time again, though, nothing could compare to what went on in my room by myself.

While I searched, my heart became more and more empty. My depression sky rocketed (I was cutting myself by the age of 13 and continued to do so on and off my entire teenage existence) and I distanced myself from my family.

I had many "come to Jesus" moments at youth groups and churches and I would vow to change my ways. I desperately WANTED to change my ways. And I would for a little while, but I always went back to my precious porn.

My 18th year was the worst year by far. I was in a toxic relationship with a man who used me daily for his wishes...and I let him because I thought that's what I had to do. Every time we broke up, I had withdrawals and found myself in the arms of someone else-even women-because my entire self worth was based on how desired I felt. I turned to alcohol. There is one night that I STILL don't know if I was raped or just sexually assaulted because I was so drunk.

The day we broke up for good was probably the best day of my life-although I didn't see it then.

Not long after, my broken self met Joe.

The day after we started dating, I got shamefully intoxicated and threw myself at him. Obviously, I don't remember this, but he recalls that I told him "If you want to have your way with me, have at it". What a sweet gentleman he was. He tucked me into bed and took care of me and never took advantage of the situation.

That was when life started changing for me. He showed me what it was like to be truly loved and respected. At the beginning, it was hard for me to accept that. I broke up with him not long into our relationship and found myself with another guy. It was the cycle I was used to. Still, daily, I depended on my precious porn. For reasons I don't understand still, he took me back. We started going to church again and incorporating Christ in our relationship.

Still, though, I struggled with my precious porn. I couldn't give it up. I tried and failed so many times. He didn't know the extent of my struggles because I was so ashamed and couldn't tell him. I was so afraid that if he knew, he would leave. How silly of me. Even after everything, Satan shamed me so deeply that I thought I couldn't talk about it with ANYONE.

I struggled in silence for a long time. Once we got married, I still struggled and I still had unrealistic views of sex. I remember one night, not long after we were married, just crying because I didn't know what was wrong. Still, I found myself finding more enjoyment alone with my precious porn than I did with my own husband. I knew exactly how I liked it and I was convinced that Joe could never compare. Our sex life was drowning because I just KNEW how it was supposed to be. I made him feel guilty for it-like it was HIS problem.

Not until this year was I able to open up and tell him exactly how bad it was-how much I depended on my precious porn. Christ had been working on my heart and I knew that if I was ever going to be able to move forward and heal from that part of my life, I had to confide in the partner He had given me. I sobbed as I poured my heart out to him-terrified of the consequences but I knew I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't stop watching porn in an instant. I STILL struggle with it. Daily. Daily, it is a temptation. I'm proud to say that my eyes have been porn free for a while now, but I still crave it. Now, though? Now I don't feel so alone in my struggle. My husband has been unbelievably supportive in helping me overcome my addiction. He has never condemned me or judged me. He holds me when I cry and celebrates in my victories.

This has been a long post, and if you are still reading this, I think you are a rockstar. I have been wanting to write about my struggle for some time, but I have been hiding behind the shame that Satan wants me to have.

I've been posting a lot of articles about how porn harms and I've had a lot of backlash for it. So many people have told me that it's not bad and that I'm just being judgmental. To you, I want you to reread this blog post.

My struggle is 12 years long-beginning as a ten year old little girl just being curious. I know firsthand how porn harms.

Because of porn, I was obsessed with things that no 10 year old should ever worry about.

Because of porn, I still bear the scars today from years of cutting.

Because of porn, I had an unrealistic expectation of how sex should be.

Because of porn, I gave the body that was meant for my husband away.

Because of porn, I searched for an experience that could compare to my precious porn.

Because of porn, I allowed myself to be used by many men.

Because of porn, I struggled to enjoy sex in my marriage because I thought only IT and myself could be satisfying.

Because of porn, my relationship with my family was deeply hurt.

Because of porn, I loathed God for allowing me to struggle.

Because of porn, I allowed Satan to control my self worth.

Because of porn, I was ruled by shame and disgust for myself.

I hope you understand the connection between all those things. It was a vicious and slippery slope that all began when I was ten years old having viewed my first pornographic image.

When people say that porn is harmless and that it doesn't affect them negatively, the first thing I want to do is laugh because I know how untrue that is. I don't believe there is a single person out there who has not been touched negatively by pornography. Even thru people who say it hasn't, I can see where in their lives it has. It makes me sad thinking that they don't see it. 

What makes me even more sad, is thinking how many people are struggling alone. THAT is probably the biggest reason I wrote this post. Halfway thru, I stopped. I told my husband that I feel like I was standing in front of a crowd of people, naked. I feel so exposed and I am struggling with feeling ashamed. Satan still knows how to make me feel bad...and I'm working on not allowing him to have that control over me.

If you think that your porn addiction is not a problem, you are sadly mistaken. I encourage you to take a deeper look at your heart and your life and try to find what is being affected by porn-because I promise you it is there. Some people think it is normal to look at porn and may not have struggled the way I did. I KNEW in my heart it was wrong the whole time and THAT is what tormented me day in and day out.

To my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, read this verse:

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

I cannot say that a single pure, lovely, admirable, true, noble, or praiseworthy thing has ever come out of my porn addiction. You read the "Because of's" a few paragraphs up. I attempted to destroy God's plan for me-I certainly destroyed His plan for my future marriage. I will never be able to take that back and I wish more than anything I could have saved my entire self for Joe. It would have been worth it. But because of my struggle (stemming back to my porn exposure at the age of ten), I gave myself away. Searching for that thing.

Watching pornography is not admirable. It is not honorable. It is not respectful. 

I know that now.

But guess what? We have a Heavenly Father who is unbelievably gracious and merciful. He loves us SO MUCH. He died for us. He died for my sins. He died for your sins. We do not have to be trapped in our sin and we don't have to suffer alone.

We do not have to be ashamed. Shame is a feeling straight from Satan. Friends, please, do not let yourself be ruled by the shame that I was controlled by for so long. I promise you, there IS healing and there ARE people who can help you-myself included. I fully believe that God allows us to go thru trials in our lives so that we can be there for people who may go thru the same thing. That's why I believe transparency is SO important. I don't want anyone to feel alone the way I did. God allowed me to struggle. I did not struggle well for a long time, but I am incredibly thankful for this journey I have been on. I believe with all my heart that if you do not use your struggles and your journey in a way that builds up His kingdom, you are wasting your struggle.

To the one who's opinion that porn isn't harmful, I'd like for you to have been able to tell my ten year old self that. 

I'd say that I am living proof that it is.

Paleo Challenge Day 0

Day Zero. I know.

My original plan was to start March 1st and do the challenge for the whole month of March. But after 2 weeks of a consistent headache...I'm gonna start tomorrow. 2 days early...big deal...but I can't stand going another minute of this headache knowing that there is something I could do to possibly make it go away.

Please, Jesus. Let gluten be the source of my problems.

Anyway.

I plan on blogging throughout this month to stay accountable and to let others know how it's going too. I won't post it to Facebook every single day because that would get annoying. SO...if you wanna see updates, I have my blog link on my Facebook info.

Since it's 2 days before payday, I didn't have much money to get groceries. I tried getting stuff to last tomorrow and Friday...and spent 50 bucks. I hope that's not how it's going to be all month. Or else my husband is going to kill me :P I also went to Schnuks instead of Wal Mart. Which is probably a big reason as to why it was so dang expensive. Ultimately, I know that eating completely clean is going to be more expensive than eating junk; however, I'm hoping I will learn how and where I can save money.

In the oven right now are my egg omelet muffins to have for breakfast :) I'm really excited about these! I will let you all know how they taste! 

My Obsession, My Addiction

A couple weeks ago in church, our pastor talked about temptation. Towards the beginning of the message, he asked us what we thought about when we heard the word "temptation". He then went on to jokingly say "We usually use the word temptation when referring to things that aren't a big deal. Like that extra scoop of ice cream is really tempting..."

It has been heavy on my mind ever since. For some people, this is actually a REALLY big deal. I know he didn't mean it the way I took it; but, I'm sorry, I couldn't help but think into it.

So I thought about it...and thought some more...and a little more....

I have never been morbidly obese. I have never struggled with diabetes or heart problems from eating too many Big Macs. I am SO thankful that I was able to change my health around before it got to that point (Because at the rate I was at, those things weren't far away). But the way I have struggled with food and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember, is NO joke.

And I know I'm not the only one. I know so many people struggle with being dependent on food.

When presented with a delicious treat, the torment that goes on inside is just...well...tormenting. It frustrates me to no end that I can't just flippin say "no" and that be the end of it. I obsess. If I say yes, I guilt myself. Seriously for far too long. I still feel guilty about the ice cream I had 3 days ago. If I say no, I do feel triumphant and really good about myself...but I still sit there and imagine how good that brownie or cookie or something tastes. STILL, even if I do say "no", the process my brain went thru to get to that decision is just excruciating. 

It is so frustrating to me when people who know the journey I'm on try to get me off the band wagon for "just one cookie" or "a little bit isn't going to throw off all your progress". That's just not how it works! I know they don't know exactly how difficult it is unless they themselves have been there, but I still get frustrated.

After I started losing weight this past summer, it got easier. The pounds seemed to just fall off and it felt SO empowering to say "no" to unhealthy food. There was still a struggle, but I was just so overweight and had had such bad eating habits before that even if I did give in sometimes, I still was losing weight quite quickly. Things really slowed down around November-ish I guess. Maybe October. I wish I had kept track better. I stopped seeing results as fast and I got discouraged so saying "no" to junk food got hard.

As long as I can remember, food has been my comfort. My habit. My go-to friend. My reward. My crutch. My excuse. My obsession. My addiction.

Aaaaaand here we are. I made a public promise a little over a month ago that I was going to lose more weight by June. So far, I have lost some weight...but I am just so tired of feeling so trapped by my struggle with food.

I don't WANT it to be such a struggle. I don't want to get almost physically sick every time I am faced with an opportunity to eat junk food. I want to be able to "eat to live not live to eat". 

So, I'm giving it to God. Along with a group of a few others, I am starting a paleo challenge for the month of March. I'm really excited because basically it is just taking away any option to "cheat" on my healthy eating. Or else I will screw up my gluten and dairy free test. Go hard or go home, right? I really am an extreme person sometimes...but just trying to eat less crap food isn't working.

God wants to help me with this struggle. DUH! So I think it's about time I let Him. My prayer is that whenever I need comforted, I find comfort in His arms. Whenever I need a friend, I chat Him up. When I wake up at 2am and can't sleep, I turn to Him and not the fridge. I want Him to be my addiction. My obsession. 

He gave me a really awesome motivator-my husband-who I am so thankful for. He tells me I'm beautiful and helps me keep my eyes on my goals.

Thank you, Jesus.

I will try to do a better job at keeping this blog updated. My hope is that God will use my struggle and my story to help motivate other people to get healthy. It's NOT an easy road...but it is totally doable. After all, with Him, ALL things are possible, ya'll.

Public Promise

Recently, someone who I really look up to posted about making "public promises" for accountability. She said to post publicly AND to talk with 2 people who you would never want to let down about your goals. So, that's what I am doing.

I lost 30ish pounds fairly quickly...and then I plateaued. Life was throwing some curve balls at me, and I lost track of my "why". Got frustrated. Honestly, I've not really given my all to my health and fitness for a month or so now. I still have another 25 pounds (at least) to go. If you are reading this, you care enough to read what I have to say so maybe you care enough to help hold me accountable? 

My Public Promise

*I promise to be 25 pounds lighter by June 7th.
June 7th is my brother's wedding day. I promise that I will walk down that aisle in my pretty bridesmaid dress 25 pounds lighter. I KNOW I can do it. 25 pounds in 6 months, I feel, is an extremely attainable goal. 

I know that just by saying that, doesn't mean I'm going to lose the weight. There HAS to be a plan. So, here is how I plan to lose 25 pounds...

*I WILL drink half my body weight in ounces of water every...single...day.
*I WILL workout 5 days a week-no exceptions (well I mean, stomach flu would be a good exception. Or the zombie apocalypse but besides that, no exceptions).
*I WILL allow myself 1 cheat meal a week. But besides that, I WILL say no to fast food junk, fried stuff, and processed food (okay....most of the processed foods within reason)
*I WILL drink my Greens every day to get all my fruits and veggies in

Okay I really think that's it. Bottom line is that there will be 25 pounds less of me by June 7th. Those daily goals will get me there along with the accountability from the people who are still reading this post :P 

I couldn't have lost those first 30 pounds without the accountability and encouragement I got from my friends and family. This getting healthy/weight loss stuff is a struggle-but totally doable. Just have to put your mind to it, peeps.