My Hardened Heart

It seemed like everything changed in a matter of minutes. One minute everything was fine. I was at work daydreaming about baby's room. Obviously, pink for a girl but I couldn't totally decide what color for a boy. The next minute...I remember my eyes widening as I felt something similar to a period cramp.

No no no no no no!!!!

I silently screamed to myself as I ran from my desk to the bathroom.

God, please not again.

It wasn't supposed to happen again. I knew the statistics-probably too well. The chance of a second consecutive miscarriage was slim. I suffered enough the first time. Surely I wasn't going to have to go thru it again.

That's when everything seemed to change in me. Emotionally; physically; mentally; spiritually; everything just changed. 

Things seemed to have been going so well. I really thought that even if it DID happen again, I'd be able to take it because I felt strong. Oh, how wrong I was. 

It seems like more people have asked me in the last few weeks if we have kids than ever before. Nobody knows quite how to react when I shift my eyes down to my hands and say "Well, we have 2 angel babies but no babies to hold yet." Of all the people I've ever asked if they had kids, nobody has ever said anything like that to me. But you know what? I freaking love my babies with all my heart. And it freaking sucks that they can't be here. The least I can do is acknowledge them as mine because they are.

And I'm mad about it. I'm freaking mad, guys. What's funny is that I'm not even mad at God. Sure, I know He could have saved them but I'm just not mad at Him. I'm just mad in general. I'm angry and bitter and hard inside. 

I get angry because people don't acknowledge this loss as a loss. HOW FREAKING HARD IS IT TO JUST SHOW SOMEONE YOU GIVE A SHIT?! After the first couple days, people forget but ya know what? I don't forget! Constantly. All day. I'm fighting tears. I signed up for so many damned pregnancy emails that every flippin day I'm being reminded how far along I should be and what I need to be doing today to prepare for baby. This coming Tuesday? This was supposed to be our first appointment to see baby Spud (Yes, I said Spud. Don't ask.) but instead, we are meeting with my OB for testing to see if we can find out what is wrong with me. Every time I see a pregnant lady or a lady with a newborn baby, it's like my heart just explodes and I can't hardly stand it.

Something SUPER frustrating is that I had to put my volunteer work with Thrive on hold. I just can't possibly bear the thought of being around people talking about babies. It kills me.

I'm a stinkin' hot mess and I know it...and when have I ever been one to hide how I feel? If it's too much, you didn't have to click my blog link. I'm emotional. I'm broken. I'm hurting. I'm lost. In just minutes, everything went from GREAT to HELL.

I genuinely thought of killing myself a couple weeks ago. Not just a passing thought...like it was more about the "how" than the "if". For a little while, I didn't even care that I would be leaving a husband and a family and friends behind. Thankfully I snapped out of it. I've acted and behaved uncharacteristically like crazy the last couple weeks. Yes, I'm on my meds. Yes, I'm seeing a counselor. No, I'm not going to kill myself.

What's totally annoying is that I KNOW everything is going to be okay. Sometimes (like now) I just want to be mad and sad and sulk but in the back of my head, I know without a shadow of a doubt that everything is going to get better. I"m not always going to be in this place. But for now, it's hell.  Jesus has helped me out of some pretty stinkin' dark places in my life. This right now I'm positive is the saddest place I've ever been, but I know He is bigger than it. 

It's only been three weeks. I know. Maybe I should give myself a slight break and not expect myself to just up and be OK. But with every day that passes and I'm in this place, it gets easier to stay. That's what is scary. That is why I am writing this. I need to actually say it (type it...) and get it out there. 

I know loss is inevitable. Gosh, it happens all the time. I know that. Most people do a better job at hiding their pain than I do...but I just can't do that. I can't pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I mean, I smile every day and act happy but I'm just NOT okay. 

My marriage has suffered because I have been a selfish, emotional wreck. My relationship with people closest to me has suffered because I am constantly feeling down and sad. But what is most scary is how much my relationship with God has suffered. I have talked to Him very few times the last couple weeks. I hate it. So why don't I get down on my knees now and talk to Him? I don't freaking know.

There is a quote about how after something huge happens in your life, you will never be the same. There is the you before that, and the you after that. Well what is there after the you that was already after that? Does that make sense?